Today was my first good day in a month of bad ones – and of course it was because of you.
This day radiates happiness, finding its way into every detail.
The sunlight highlighting the green in your eyes, making my heart hurt.
Your laugh when I ran into a bookstore apologising, because we both know I own too many.
The way you get frustrated when I make no sense at all – and how I can see you trying to make sense for me.
You held my hand so tightly helping me up that tree and I swear you hesitated to let go.
I must be dreaming because I don’t get good days and today was the best yet.
I said “Boys don’t like me”, you laughed softly and said “Yeah, they do”.
But how would you know if you didn’t like me?
One day I’ll be content being your friend, being only your friend.
Some days it feels like that day and then I see your face and everything comes flooding back. How even an innocent touch of my leg, or your elbows in my ribs – after you’ve made the dumbest joke I’ve ever heard, can make my stomach twist.
And then I see you with her, and you say you don’t know what she is. But I see you when you think no one does, your arm around her waist, her holding onto your hand a second too long. And maybe if I cry enough I won’t have anything left in me to cry over you, or the feelings I have will be washed out with the tears. But if I hear you say her name one more time I’ll fucking scream and I know even if I did you would remain clueless.
You have been the best friend I could have hoped for and maybe one day that will be enough for me. Today isn’t that day I hope it’s soon, I’m too tired to make it another 4 years.
My favourite memory of us is that time I found out my dad was cheating on my mum and the only thing I could think to do was text you. You didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what to say, but you text me for 5 hours just telling me jokes, trying to cheer me up. Every time I come close to telling you how I really feel I remember this, and I’ve come to realise that I never will tell you. I could live my entire life never being with you but I couldn’t live without having you at all.
I wish that we were never friends and I didn’t have everything to lose. I wish that everything I say in my head would escape my mouth.
I wish that the big empty ache in my chest had a cure. I wish I could put my frustration into beautiful words, maybe then I’d know how to tell you – That I wish you were mine and how I wish you would feel the same way and I wish that you didn’t excite and terrify me and make me feel a million things i didn’t know I could.
You’re so beautiful and i wish you would fuck off but please don’t ever leave me.
I haven’t felt this happy in a long time.
It shouldn’t be this way though,
I have no time and sleep is only a memory, but I can’t stop smiling.
My only explanation is you, I hate how easily my thoughts wander to you.
They give me happiness and pain all at the same time.
I know we’ll never be, but the thought is comforting.
I haven’t felt this happy in a long time
But maybe this isn’t happy, maybe I just got tired of sad.