When I was a little girl, I’d always fantasise about going to the fair
Every time I was there, it felt like I was returning home again
I’d eagerly await to go on the pretty carousel, so I could feel the wind in my hair,
Blowing away the fears of the future, and the pain from the past, or even the present for that matter
Then there was the candyfloss, which was my favourite sickeningly sweet treat of all time back then
It tasted like childhood, freedom, innocence, and pleasure, all rolled into one
Except my Mum, and my grandparents never wanted me to eat it, because it’s no good for me
And they wanted to keep me grounded, away from all of my fantasies
In case I got carried away with myself, and accidentally let loose to other people that my dad was actually the devil in disguise
Don’t we all just wish our lives were like those in fairy tales, and our wildest dreams?
Something that always brought me back down to reality with a thump was seeing the haunted house, looming threateningly, and dangerously in the distance. The air around it seemed grey, foggy almost, and that was unsettling to me, because surely that meant it should be avoided at all costs, right?
It reminded me way too much of my home situation back then, as that’s where my father’s darkest demons would come out to play, late at night, when nobody except my mother and I was around in the flat
I’d have visions of him being in that haunted house, terrorising children, and teens when he was drunk, cackling away at the fact that he could intimidate them
They would all get sucked into the thrill of it, and laugh away, whilst secretly shivering in their seats
But little do they know, he didn’t need a mask; my father was already intimidating enough without one
Thankfully, bright lights allowed me to remain the carefree child that I should have been all the time, taking me off into another world, one where only the most enchanting fairies, and the most captivating unicorns existed
Loud music sends shivers down my spine, and through my entire body, forcing me to forget my fears, and live within the moment, because that’s all that is meant to matter when you’re merely 6 years old
Where’s the magician? He should be around here somewhere,
Maybe he can help the past vanish from my mind, and my memory
I can build a proper home within this fairground, and ride every rollercoaster a thousand times over
Letting go of all the hurt, and all of the uncertainty
I will allow the Ferris wheel to lift me up high, and keep me there, so I can have a few moments of normality, away from the chaos, so for once, I know I am better than, and above all of that
Yet, my home is only temporary, as it only ever comes to town for a few weeks at a time
This is simply all a fantasy, a figment of my imagination, and nothing more
At 6 years old, I couldn’t possibly escape the chaos for more than a couple of hours a day
No matter how much I knew in my heart that I wanted to stay
I had to wave goodbye to any hope of happiness, and say hello to the haunted house, once again when all of the magical lights had gone out.
Jade Millard