When I was a little girl, I’d always fantasise about going to the fair

Every time I was there, it felt like I was returning home again

I’d eagerly await to go on the pretty carousel, so I could feel the wind in my hair,

Blowing away the fears of the future, and the pain from the past, or even the present for that matter

Then there was the candyfloss, which was my favourite sickeningly sweet treat of all time back then

It tasted like childhood, freedom, innocence, and pleasure, all rolled into one

Except my Mum, and my grandparents never wanted me to eat it, because it’s no good for me

And they wanted to keep me grounded, away from all of my fantasies

In case I got carried away with myself, and accidentally let loose to other people that my dad was actually the devil in disguise

Don’t we all just wish our lives were like those in fairy tales, and our wildest dreams?

Something that always brought me back down to reality with a thump was seeing the haunted house, looming threateningly, and dangerously in the distance. The air around it seemed grey, foggy almost, and that was unsettling to me, because surely that meant it should be avoided at all costs, right?

It reminded me way too much of my home situation back then, as that’s where my father’s darkest demons would come out to play, late at night, when nobody except my mother and I was around in the flat

I’d have visions of him being in that haunted house, terrorising children, and teens when he was drunk, cackling away at the fact that he could intimidate them

They would all get sucked into the thrill of it, and laugh away, whilst secretly shivering in their seats

But little do they know, he didn’t need a mask; my father was already intimidating enough without one

Thankfully, bright lights allowed me to remain the carefree child that I should have been all the time, taking me off into another world, one where only the most enchanting fairies, and the most captivating unicorns existed

Loud music sends shivers down my spine, and through my entire body, forcing me to forget my fears, and live within the moment, because that’s all that is meant to matter when you’re merely 6 years old

Where’s the magician? He should be around here somewhere,

Maybe he can help the past vanish from my mind, and my memory

I can build a proper home within this fairground, and ride every rollercoaster a thousand times over

Letting go of all the hurt, and all of the uncertainty

I will allow the Ferris wheel to lift me up high, and keep me there, so I can have a few moments of normality, away from the chaos, so for once, I know I am better than, and above all of that

Yet, my home is only temporary, as it only ever comes to town for a few weeks at a time

This is simply all a fantasy, a figment of my imagination, and nothing more

At 6 years old, I couldn’t possibly escape the chaos for more than a couple of hours a day

No matter how much I knew in my heart that I wanted to stay

I had to wave goodbye to any hope of happiness, and say hello to the haunted house, once again when all of the magical lights had gone out.


Jade Millard