Contributors

tuxpi.com.1441049707Lucy Harbron (Founder & Editor)

17 year old gal that can be found either editing KILORAN, writing for several places on the internet or sat in bed watching sex and the city and eating toast. She’s into re-reading the same books over and over, breakfast foods, Stevie Nicks and instagramming way too much.

www.thingsthebooksforgot.blogspot.com

Instagram- @lucyharbron_

Twitter- @lucyharbron

tuxpi.com.1441049102

Rachelle Cox

My name is Rachelle but its pronounced like Rachel and I guess that’s a metaphor for life; everything is not what it seems. Chunky but funky. “@heartshapedteen is the soundest/ funniest girl I know” – some random guy from yik yak

Instagram- @heartshapedteen

Twitter- @cobaincocain

tuxpi.com.1441049442

Daisy-Chain Scott

Short-sighted journalist, trying to make the world a more equal place – however still believes that the world revolves around music and Liam Gallagher. Find me loitering in press pits of gigs and milling around on the internet.

www.teenagemysticism.weebly.com

Instagram- @daisychainscott

tuxpi.com.1441116522

Grace Thambyrajah

Gracie T; Pretty rad don’t get mad

Instagram- @grace_drums

Twitter- @graceTDCC

tuxpi.com.1441049134

Sonja Katanic

An eccentrically-dressed, whimsically creative, bitter illustrator and writer. When she’s not obsessively watching movies, she’s crying over harry styles, editing over at Plasma Dolphin and listening to dream pop in her underwear.

www.plasmadolphin.com

Instagram- @sonjatitanic

Twitter- @sonjatitanic

tuxpi.com.1441052930

Eliza Caraher

Probably in leopard print and pretending I’m cool. I just wanna create beautiful things with writing, film and photography. Often ranting about world issues or Quentin Tarantino’s genius.

www.intheirelementaproject.wordpress.com

www.cautiontothecolourful.wordpress.com

Instagram- @elizacaraher

Twitter- @elizacaraher_

tuxpi.com.1441049350

Emmie Lois

Lover of all things great…and most likely out of budget. I eat carbs way too often but they’re just so yummy. Give me any song from any genre with a good beat and I will dance like a loon. Look to me on Kiloran for fashion edits and general wonderment

www.emmielois.blogspot.com

Instagram- @emmielois

Twitter- @emmielois

Photo edited with https://www.tuxpi.com

Izaak Bosman

A wannabe somebody with an innate love of Bowie and the Beat generation’s vibe; I also have an overwhelming fear of inequality and ‘nobbly bobbly’ ice creams.

Instagram- @groovy.cactus

Twitter- @izaakbosman

tuxpi.com.1441049056

Lauren Aitken

Adventurous 16 year old feminist, trying to change the world one ripple at a time. I love studying languages in order to meet as many amazing people as possible. In my spare time I dance the ballet, read 19th century mystery novels and plan my future home in Paris

Instagram- @laurenaitken8

Twitter- @laurenaitken8

tuxpi.com.1441049824

Kelsey Ellington

Deep thinker and thoughtful writer. I work on YouTube uploading mainly poetry, vlogs and songs with Red (my guitar). I guess you could say my lyrics are just as thought provoking as my poetry.

www.youtube.com/user/Kelseylauramusic

Instagram- @kelseylaurenellington

tuxpi.com.1441053605

Lauren Hardy

Lauren Hardy or ldh is a 17 year old high school student from the United States. She enjoys expressing herself and finding inspiration through writing, music, art, traveling, and attending concerts.

Instagram-@laurxnn

Twitter- @laurxnn

tuxpi.com.1441219469

Bridie

1)Trying to be a happy bean

2)Forever resorting to paper and pen to organise my thoughts, alas if only it were that easy

3)Don’t worry so much about number 2, there’s normally a band that’s already got your feelings nailed and made a song about it.

tuxpi.com.1441132457

Jonathan Whyatt

Just trying to find the words to describe the thoughts that plague my mind. They’re just words, empty words.But the right ones could wake the earth.

Twitter- @straangehouse

Photo Editor https://www.tuxpi.com

Amelia Coburn

The morr-i-ssey you, the marr I like you.

https://www.youtube.com/user/thebigmess7

Instagram- @ammmelia_

Want to be a contributor for the next issue?

Leeds Festival Review

11055385_980903661973738_1853342809202309763_o 11225240_980903665307071_2538360849694155450_o 11894663_980903671973737_163365239453647267_o 11895149_980903751973729_1355294268413863023_o 11923289_980903675307070_3550616496401575039_o 11951514_980903685307069_1987056155832726717_o

Music festivals have become something so much more than just a collection of bands. Now they’re an experience, a place where people escape to and spend days lost in this haze of noise and excitement. It’s become a place where social conformity isn’t enforced and people are focused on merely enjoying the next ten minutes of their lives rather than all the things that hold us back. This is especially true, I found for Leeds festival as it has become the festival for 17-25 year olds. We are the people who escape best, ignore everyday life and let go of life’s restraints.

This year Leeds and Reading’s headliners split people massively. From The Libertines to Mumford to Metallic it was like they were trying to cater for all degrees of rock and to me it felt like they were over achieving. No wonder they only sold 25,000 of the 100,000 tickets going when each day was so different that to many a day ticket seemed to make more sense than a weekend.

The Libertines headlined Friday at Leeds. That main stage collection seemed most fitting for Leeds and the image it goes for with The Cribs, The Maccabees and Jamie T all opening the main stage. Though I do believe that The Cribs were slightly misplaced as they seemed to struggle to fill the main stage and truly captivate the audience in their music and need to try so hard to act as rock stars. This is perhaps highlighted by the acts of their frontman who at the end of their last song threw his guitar about a meter behind him, knocked over a stand and then promptly proceeded to go pick it up and set right the mess he’d made behind him. Perhaps he’s only a part time rocker. The Maccabees I found to be the perfect music to relax to, sitting in the sun listening to their incredible new album be played live in front of me was one of the best ways to kick off the music of the weekend. Jamie T of course was incredible with the crowd being completely engaged and in love with his performance and every song he sang was a success. An odd one was then thrown in the mix with the inclusion of Kendrick Lamar, not the most obvious choice but an amazing performer who owned Leeds for the entirety of his set and deserves all praise he gets for his performance. Friday night ended with The Libertines who in my view performed even better than they did at Glastonbury a couple of months beforehand. They seemed much more at home on the stage and more engaged with the performance they were putting on, a very good one at that. ‘Don’t Look Back into The Sun’ brought the crowd together in a way no other act had so far and it was the strongest song of their set and potentially the day.

I began Saturday with Drenge and Palma Violets who once again seemed slightly misplaced on the main stage. I think something that truly let Leeds down this year was the predictions of the success of artists that were made at the time of booking. Saturday also brought the start of the incredible NME/ Radio 1 stage with Swim Deep and Peace. Both performed brilliantly but it was Peace who truly made it that day with their unquestionable charisma and ability there only let down was nothing to do with them but the crowd who reacted with violent mosh pits (I managed to receive a punch to the face). As much as I love jumping around and getting fully involved in a gig I wouldn’t say Peace would be my first choice for suitability. Meanwhile on the main stage Alt-J provided an oddly calming set, contrasting massively with every other aspect of the festival. A pretty dead crowd they were better enjoyed sat down with some food. The headliner that night was Mumford and Sons who, although I dislike their new album, put on a brilliant performance with the most famous of their songs creating this incredible crowd of noise that travelled across the whole of Leeds Festival. This was also the day of the secret set which this year was Foals, a brilliant choice and one that visitors probably should have worked out beforehand from the amount of promo posters dotted around.

The final day was the oddest of choices for the main stage with the unusual booking of the terrifyingly cute Babymetal who left most bemused not helped by the couple who dressed as the girls; I’ve never seen a cuter looking guy. NME/ Radio 1 stage was where it was at for me all afternoon, starting with Slaves and ending with Catfish and The Bottlemen. Slaves were astounding, they were by far the most engaging and entertaining band with their in between song quips and energetic performance, they could have easily handled a bigger stage. Spector followed and were also very good choosing to perform mostly songs form their new album minus a subtle cover of The Vaccines’’If you Wanna’ combined with their ‘Chevy Thunder which felt brilliantly right for their performance. Then came Circa Waves who sound exactly the same on their album as they do live giving great props to their abilities. Wolf Alice were a huge success gaining a large crowd who were utterly engrossed in every moment of the performance. Everything Everything was the least popular of the list but the frontmans incredible and unique voice made up for that. Finally came Catfish who were so popular that security had to request people stopped trying to enter the tent. The owned the NME/ Radio 1 stage that day and I’ll be incredibly surprised if their next album doesn’t land them a booking on the main stage next time. Royal Blood made an appearance on the main stage putting on a great show which formed a never pausing mass of movement in the crowd The final headline closing the festival was Metallic, another odd choice it brought in crowds of dedicated fans but left everyone else heading elsewhere, many to see The Wombats which was a very good decision.

But as I said it isn’t just about the music anymore, there are so many factors involved in making the festival as great as it is. There was constantly something to do with all night DJ sets, bars, Oxygen lounges and food vans, there was never a quiet or dull moment. This helped provide the escapism, for a whole weekend we didn’t stop, we didn’t focus on anything outside the festival and it created this almost tangible buzz of an atmosphere that was everywhere and included all. We were all dirty, drunk, excited and happy together and nobody gave a fuck. Everyone just wanted to have the best time they could, make friends and get pissed to good music and for three days that was all the mattered. It was the atmosphere that made it for me, that made me never want to leave and instead to live in this place of a constant high. I fell in love with it, it’s so much better than everyday life and it’s an addictive place to be, and not just because you can’t walk five steps without hearing the word ket.

 

Letter From The Editor

I don’t know how we pulled it off, but we did it.

Fed up and bored only a few days into the summer, I decided to stop scrolling through online magazines like Rookie and Plasma dolphin and make my own. Within minutes I enlisted the help of Rachelle cox; one of the most creatively open people I’ve ever met (and my bestie). We started putting together the ultimate dream team of writer, photographers, and just general creative cool people we wanted to work with. And that was the day KILORAN was born.

3 months, approx 100000000 emails and 2 different logos later it turns out that starting a magazine aint easy. Over the time I discovered that telling yourself “I’ll do it tomorrow” can last for 6 weeks, I have no idea how to use a semi-colon and I don’t know anything about computers. But I also learnt that the people I’m working with, both surrounding me and spread across the country and world (hi Sonja Katanic and Lauren Hardy), are amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so inspired to write and work. Seeing conversations flood with ideas, having Starbucks meetings that fill pages and pages in a notepad and constantly welcoming new people to the KILORAN team has left me ready to go go go.

One of the first conversations me and Rachelle had about the issue was whether we wanted to theme it, toying with the idea of the theme of “introductions”. But instead we decided to just let each contributor run free in the creative field, let go with only the instruction of “create what you want, it’s totally up to you” leaving us host to a collection of everything from pieces on social/political issues to photo stories. I think that’s what I love most about this issue- Each piece is the brain child of its creator, no external input, no over-ruling, just each person’s creativity in its originality.  And I couldn’t ask for better, every time I read through a contribution I wanted to leak the whole mag tbh.

On a personal mushy note- This is something I’ve dreamed about for ages, developing the idea of KILORAN long long before it was born. And now looking at the final product makes me wanna cry just a lil. I’m so happy, happy to finally have been able to set a release date and get this stuff out there, happy to have the privilege to share the insane work of insanely talented people, but mainly happy to have had the chance to work with some killer guys and gals. Thank you, I adore you all, keep doin what you’re doin.

But there’s many more “thank you”s to deliver-

  • To anyone that contributed in anyway at all, you built this.
  • To my mum and dad for dealing with stress induced tears and always trying to help me deal with tech trauma.
  • To Sonja Katanic for helping me navigate WordPress and inspiring me to start a mag by founding the amazing plasma dolphin.
  • To Nescafe latte packet thingys(and to my mum for buying them)
  • To Izaak Bosman, for always inspiring me to keep writing, always keeping me positive and always being exactly the person I want to be.
  • To YouTube for supplying “WordPress for dummies” videos.
  • To Rachelle Cox, for reminding me that the world still existed and was still good when I needed it most.
  • To Ted Loveday, and to the guy that made the Hapax Legomenon remix vine.
  • To Bridie Lonsdale and her Dad for being web design saviours.
  • To Patti Smith, cause she always deserves a thank you from me.
  • To all the friends that pulled me away from my laptop and back into the world.
  • To spotify, what would I do without you?
  • To Daisy-Chain Scott for reminding me how much I love writing and always being reliable and lovely.
  • To the internet in general.
  • To everyone I know, you all helped without knowing.

And so here it is. We finally birthed our child and their name is KILORAN.

Onto work for the next.

Love, Lucy Harbron x

Collage

The Songs That Built us

Back to the gypsy that I was

Lucy Harbron – Gypsy by Fleetwood Mac

Good mood, bad mood, raining, summer, 5am, 2pm. No matter what I can never skip this song. Even if I’m in the worst mood ever the intro to gypsy always breaks through my hard exterior and within 4 minutes I’ve got from crying on the floor, to twirling round in my room and feeling like a free spirit dancing through a field. Maybe it’s the pure beauty of Stevie Nicks? Or maybe it’s magic of the 70s? But that song always cheers me up.  Stevie described Gyspy as a song about returning to herself and I LOVE THAT. I see Stevie Nicks as my spiritual mother (weird I know ), after watching many many Fleetwood mac documentaries and extensively reading her Wikipedia page I decided that Stevie Nicks is a total hero and an incredible woman who taught me that expressing your feelings into art and spinning around to a good song will improve your state of mind by at least 80%. There was a time when I couldn’t listen to Fleetwood mac as a past relationship left a lot of bad memories attached, but slowly I managed to reclaim my fave band and from that day on I have really struggled to listen to anything other than Fleetwood.

To me, Gypsy is like a victory anthem. It’s a song that celebrates finding a home in yourself and the knowledge that that home will always be there. Each time I listen to gypsy, or really any Fleetwood mac song, I feel proud, I feel happy, I feel strong. Managing to reclaim my favourite band was like reclaiming myself and now here I am, singing my heart out and spinning round carelessly. Listening to gypsy reminds me of 3 vital facts-

  1. You can always reclaim yourself
  2. You can always return to your true self
  3. Spinning round in floaty clothes will always make things better, no matter how bad things get.daisy - Copy

 

Oh no, stranger you’re just like me, these things happen, we were children in the mid 90’s

Rachelle Cox – We Were Children by Tribes

If you asked me “what’s your favourite song” you’d get a different answer every time; I’m so indecisive and my tastes and interests are constantly changing. I can’t possibly chose just a single song that is my ultimate favourite because I’ve grown up with such diverse but great music, it all speaks to me on an emotional and spiritual level (especially you, Kate Bush) so deciding one just one is offensive to all of the other great songs I love. So I decided to choose a song that represents me at my current stage in life; a free-spirited young gal who just likes to get on with life and have fun. The temptation not to pick a song from the Grease or Hairspray soundtracks was pretty unbearable but the song I’ve chosen is Tribes We Were Children.  Tribes are one of my favourite bands and they are hella rad. This was the first ever Tribes song I listened to as I saw them live at the NME awards back in 2012 and fell in love instantly. I was going to choose another Tribes song called How The Other Half Live as it has such a good meaning to the song and the intro is possibly one of my faves, but We Were Children has more sentimental value to me. It represents how in life you are going to regret a lot of stupid things you did when you were young but that shapes who you are and how your life turns out so you shouldn’t worry about it, you should live your days care-free and just be happy, and I like that idea. It’s simple. It’s do-able. The song’s vibes just makes me wanna dance in the streets and every time it comes on shuffle I gotta jam.  I can honestly say it’s up there with my all-time faves and for this month it’s what I chose to be my favourite song.

11949837_887259917976930_1447022401_n

Private Eyes *clap* They’re watching you *clap clap*

Grace Thambyrajah – Private Eyes by Hall & Oates

I would call it a guilty pleasure but I ain’t even sorry. If I had chosen any other song as the dearest in my library I would have been lying to myself. What is one of the few songs I never skip on shuffle is the pure 80’s pop glory of John Hall and Daryl Oates. Is it the keyboard phrasing or the drum beat devoid of skill, I don’t know but it is most certainly the chorus clapping that puts Private Eyes on every single party playlist I comply, as anyone who knows me (and is therefore sick of this song) has realised. If you’re wondering what it looks like to completely embrace the magic, as I often do (again sorry friends) it’s a lot like this:

 

With a couple kooks hung up on romancing

Eliza Caraher – Kooks by David Bowie

I’m terrible at picking my favourite anything; I change my mind every other day. But, if I had to pick a song, one of my personal favourite songs that summed me up best, it would have to be David Bowie’s ‘Kooks.’ There are a hundred and one reasons this song means so much to me (even besides Bowie being one of the greatest artists of all time) but it seems most fitting to start with when this song first entered my life; Kooks was my lullaby. It was the song my mum sang to me as a child when I was struggling to sleep. Later it went on to be symbolic of the childhood I had, one with my very unconventional but free-spirited and wonderful parents who raised me with the ideals the song portrays regarding not caring about what others think of me or letting ultimately meaningless things such as school or work upset me. As I grew up in a house full of such quirky, brilliant people and objects and I have been shaped into the person I am now, a person who is often described as ‘quirky’ or ‘kooky’ by those around me, aspiring to be comfortable and myself no matter how unconventional that may be.

Kooks’ provides a set of wonderful lyrics that manage to sum up my life so far and hopefully my life to come as equally carefree and content with what I have.

11949585_887259804643608_563067471_n

 Really want to see you Lord, But it takes so long, my Lord

Daisy-Chain Scott – My Sweet Lord by George Harrison

My Sweet Lord” by George Harrison is the first track that I have ever had a colossal attachment to – not just in the sense that; “Wow, I could listen to this song forever” but “Uh, this track means a whole lot to me”.

Brought home for my first Christmas with a record player, the small single was £1 in a charity shop without a single scratch and a green apple misplaced in the middle – played on a record player it was worth all the money in the world.

This song is so much more than just a song, George Harrison had written this in the 70’s after his change in faith – through the public eye. Harrison wrote “My Sweet Lord” in praise of the Hindu god Krishna, while at the same time intending the lyrics to serve as a call to abandon religious sectarianism through his deliberate blending of the Hebrew word hallelujah with chants of “Hare Krishna” and Vedic prayer. I myself, am not religious but the song show how much passion Harrison has towards his faith – proving to me that it must be something that comes from the soul.

It isn’t a track that screams “religion” in your face, if you forget about the religious implications it could be a song about love for friendship or life – think back to “Something” and you’re moving along the same lines.

It will be the track that sends shivers down my spine, the track that will remind me of my first love of a scratching of the record player, the mumble and hiss of the first touch of the needle, the way you can hear passion through the voice of Harrison, the endless hours I spent trying to recreate the track on the guitar in a shed and ultimately the first feeling of having an ultimate connection to a song.

11939035_10153540619718486_158783006_n

Found myself alone alone alone above a raging sea, it stole the only girl I loved, drowned her deep inside of me

Jonathan Whyatt – Just Like Heaven by The Cure

From the first drumbeat, this song makes me feel like no song has ever done before. Memories of people and places from one particular time in my life are locked so preciously within it, and are exposed beautifully by Robert Plant’s hauntingly honest voice, so much so that whenever I hear it I have to stop whatever it is I am doing, close my eyes and just listen, fully appreciating every note and lyric as if it were meant for my ears only. To do anything else would be totally inept.

As his lyric echoes ‘you’re just like a dream’, I always thought if it was possible to live within the notes of a song, climbing and clambering over each other, as the fragile piano notes flicker, I would want to exist in that moment. Endless and eternal; it makes you forget all that is wrong and just live for the beautiful moment that the song creates. It’s an audio interpretation of perfection, a place where you can feel as though everything will be ok once again. No other song comes close to it for me. The emotions, the hope. This song gives reason to live and reason to continue.

One day, maybe a long time from now, perhaps a Friday evening in a place far away from here surrounded by bright lights and dancing, ‘Just Like Heaven’ will play and I’ll finally find the words to describe how this song makes me feel.

daisy

Now everybody’s dead

Lauren Aitken – Robbers by The 1975

I’ve been a huge fan of  The 1975 for just under a year now, and their song Robbers is the most perfectly written and composed sequence of sound waves ever to grace my ears. Okay, where to begin. Well, firstly, Robbers introduced me to my all-time favourite film, True Romance, featuring my second favourite sound which is Patricia Arquette’s adorably infectious laugh. The song is kind of loosely based on the movie, and they complement each other brilliantly (the True Romance theme is also amazing and my ringtone and has officially been ruined by supermarkets making it the background music to their adverts). I love the vibes this song gives out as well  – depending on what mood you’re in, it makes you feel angry, happy, chilled, sad, euphoric, that feeling when you stare out of the car window when you’re on a journey and pretend you’re in a music video etc. It’s just one of those really powerful pieces of music you can never skip ‘cause they just give you major “feels”. You know those rare songs that feel like the whole track is one big journey? Yeah, well that’s Robbers.

11911907_10153540619698486_107263110_n

As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset I am in paradise

Bridie – Waterloo Sunset by The Kinks

Waterloo Sunset says “I adore you and nothing else on this planet matters because of that”. The adored may be another heart, or it may be the world around you. The melody, much like a Wes Anderson, divinely rosy from beginning to end. Three minutes and sixteen seconds of utter contentment.

I don’t think this is the sort of song that you listen to and experience a sudden understanding of what love is, because no one ever has the same love twice and no two people will ever love in the same way. There is, instead, an unspoken yet very clear explanation of how you’ll feel once you’ve found it in every line. If there was ever a song that encapsulates how extraordinary and beautiful the most ordinary love is, “Waterloo Sunset is fine”.

11950755_890060444363544_224638628_n

 

Life on the other hand won’t make you understand

Patrick Whyte – The Masterplan by Oasis

When asked to choose a favourite song for this article I did the whole stereotypical “I love music too much to have a favourite song” but after some thought I realised that I tend to go through phases where I love, and ridiculously overplay, particular songs. This month it’s a classic oasis tune and last month it was a Richard Hawley cover by The Maccabees.

I took a liking to ‘The Masterplan’ when I was in my friend’s car. We were driving to the beach on a sunny afternoon and the song came on and I just fell in love it, I’d heard it before but this time it gripped me. The beginning that seems like it’s going to be a dark and depressing song, leading to the chorus that is so uplifting you kick yourself that you don’t know the words because all you want to do is scream out every syllable. All of it leading to the calm finish where you can hear Noel in the background quoting a lyric from ‘Octopus’ Garden’, a fantastic late Beatles track. Pure perfection and possibly my new found favourite oasis song. I come across songs very rarely that I can safely say I will never get sick of and this, though I can’t confirm it’s my all-time favourite, is definitely one.

Listen to the songs that built us-

Why I Don’t Like Sprinkles

You miss the way they said your name the way the stars look like they were extra sprinkles on a cupcake.

Remember when they broke your heart over text message and for the next month your cellphone was a ticking grenade and you were stuck waiting for your phone to blow up saying that they regret it.

Sprinkles don’t taste like anything, but they sure are the raindrops on the side walk that make something about rainy days better then others.

Remember the way their lips tasted like heaven on a hell day just like how the sprinkles that tasted like nothing somehow made the cupcakes taste better.

Remember when they bought you a nine dollar bottle of sprinkles from the hospital gift shop when you were only allowed to eat ice cream after getting your tonsils out.

Remember the day you got a concussion in gym class and they walked you to the nurse and sat with you for and hour—you really thought they just wanted to get out of class.

Remember the day you got paired up as partners together and they told you their  name, and even though you knew nothing but their name that deep feeling in your gut knew that something’s playing with fire sounds like a lot of fun.

Remember how them introducing them-self turned into this mess that you’re still trying to pick up after.

Cupcakes taste the same with or without sprinkles.

Now you wish you didn’t even know their name,

and that they were only the sprinkles that made life just a little more fun but tasted like nothing.

 

Sequel

Notoriously S.A.D.                 my life is divisible into quadratic chapters, periods of lifeless drowning and red lipped, diamond highs.

  1. supermarket produce lobs from ear to ear, white walls white-wash my blush and my veins turns to digital wires.

that halcyon of teenage revolution so broadcast on the small                                                                       screen screams at me in irony. paper pennants so previously                                                                       golden washed in immortal sunlight paper cut me in dreams.

 

  1. I AM the queen of reservation, so regretful of string-can sequences and moonlit traffic                                     dances, driving down freeways with car doors wide open (enough to fly?) and sink my teeth into                                                the moon until it  drifts away into unfamiliarity.

 

 

  1. post-it-note love letters to my own heart, Jerry Vale-induced advice for my dome, cranium, edible gardens only rely on the unconventional. mail my

orange-juice-tear-covered heart through the mail for proper unconventionality in love letters.

and bite off my finger prints, change the DNA in my saliva, delete these postage stamps so the only memories live on in red-light windshield reflections on

summer evenings.

 

  1. the architect maps out my loss of youth on blue-prints, carving moon-shaped scars on my thighs, imprints on cinema chairs reflected in each.

I miss him like a missing lung, living a half-life, spray-painting rose colours over my eyes. fool me into this elysian landscape.

girl crush collaging, wrapping herself in both our love and loose-cannon planetary rings sting with each collision. it is an ode to forgetfulness, to the sustainability until September, yet forever etched in charcoal, infused into pores. bruises flourish in secrecy,               in tandem.

 

  1. second prayers to teenage deities, second pairs that lay on bedside table lights. dirt between keys is the dirt beneath finger nails.

weave your fingers through air and fire,  place your hands on my knees and push my rolling pin-chair through doorways and windows and yell for look-backs, but send me morse-code winks and blinks and force me to turn away.

 

otherwise I melt into your phantom arms and lose myself.

 

Memories Forgotten

“Memories are easy to find, and forgetting them is the most undeniable thing, whether you want to remember the drunken moments or dreams of strength. You should always write, and then read back, even if they’re sad or they’re content – never forget. I’ve figured that reading back through old thoughts and though processes can be cleansing. Whether that is for the soul or for your own “self”, I mean too many people this may seem “pretentious” and the idea of this whole dream and memory passage may seem depressing. If you read back you will understand a person so much more than you ever could have.”
07/04/14 – Between days I fall in and out of love with the universe. Today I’ve fallen in love all over again, the tumbling white castles tumble over your skin and your eyes hold the whimsical dreams – the world is ready for your adventures and your soul is full of the stars that are burning in the sky. Today I’ve fallen in love with the universe.
12-04-14 – You are the summer and I am the winter, separated by the seasons and perfectly connected.
18/04/14 – Whenever I’m lonely I gravitate towards people, sometimes they become my moon to my stars and sometimes they fall without gravity. As soon as I proclaim that the stars have become brighter, I become lonelier than I ever have before. Im scared that my moon and my stars have darkened and that they are getting further away. I don’t want to be the only star in the universe anymore, otherwise I will not be bright anymore and I’ll proceed on dullness. Forever my moon, but yet so far away.
23-04-14 – Realising that the clouds float further each day, that the sun will shine brighter and that the music will become louder fixated exuberance. Higher power did not exist but happiness did, this was seen in other people, more and more fixated with the exuberance that she could spread but that can be lost in the same moment. If the clouds could float further each day, then so could she. But then that’s also a lie, she wants to sleep in the crumbling castles and write out her dreams onto the white sheets of your skin. Exuberance isn’t always what’s needed, I’m not like what I’m named after, I’m not the flowers that grow in the fields and I’m not beautiful or growing. I’m more like the dandelions that stand alone and my seeds are floating away, I’m not any one person or a single fresh soul.
8-05-14 – He flicked the switch and I rolled it to make spark, the spark became a flame. He smoked three cigarettes in the time and told me his favourite quotes, distinctively walking slightly in front and smoke billowing from his accent.
26-06-14 – It’s been three days, three days since. Since my eyes searched for something new and found the increasingly better lights, since I tasted something new and fresh and inhaled something that was more than me. My lips tasted that which I could contain and that moment is ingrained in my mind’s eye. Five cigarettes and the taste of tobacco fell across me and when I lay in bed at night.
I find these pieces of memories filtered within my phone, I wrote these over a year ago and it is crazy how you can become a whole different person. However, it is also great to understand that I had these thoughts. So true, that I think I’ll start believing again like I used to.
“Get to know people and their dreams, get to know everything and their consciousness and the most mundane things. You may fall in love with their dreams and not in the way in which you want to spend your life with them, but their soul can attract and you could make someone a lot happier. Just try and remember.”

Upon Arriving Back Home

Upon introduction to myself, again.

A long lost twin, distant relative,

I’m sorry I’ve been away.

 

An English rose, a gypsy soul

But I did not wander,

I was lost.

“Blame it on my wild heart”

No, blame it on me;

For I let it happen, no atlas, no compass and too reliant on one light source to risk it.

But it turns out the darkness was just trees- nature, natural,

And I am back now.

 

I’m sorry, I’ve been away

But breathe carelessly, sleep deep

It’s okay it’s okay now.

 

Upon introduction to myself, again.

I promise to learn the rainbow of neutrals and be calm.

Never burn myself down as a sacrifice

But re-paint, rejuvenate

Move away and arrive back home.

 

Freedom

Now the chains are released,

I am free

Now the bars have ceased,

I am free

 

Now I walk with my life,

In my hands

Yet I still feel the weight of the rope,

Around my hands

 

Now there is no routine,

I rest my head

Upon the guillotine,

I rest my head

 

With no room to confide in,

I am lost

Adjusting to this world that’s been hiding,

I am lost

 

I hear the calling,

“I am free”

I practise the faith,

‘I am free’ religiously

 

Freedom is given,

I judged it wrong

My soul is ready to be living,

Must I judge that wrong?

 

I feel numinous,

The sanctity of life

Something more than human, us,

The sanctity of life

 

It is freedom I cannot feel,

Freedom I cannot see

But I know, at the end of this exertion,

There is beyond freedom,

Waiting for me.